I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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