Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
