dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
