Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
