Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
