Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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