You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize