Can i not drive my cunt home
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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