I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize