I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have fence marks all over my body
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
