Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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