Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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