Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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