god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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