He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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