I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
