Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
