She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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