Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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