Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
