I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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