you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
