look no pants
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Everclear isn't food dammit
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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