Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
