I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
