i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
