I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
