i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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