You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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