i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
