Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
