last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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