I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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