how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize