I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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