if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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