rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
