i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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