If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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