so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
