Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
