I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
