He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
