I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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