How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize