Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
