omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
