every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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