Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
