Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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