I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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