i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
