I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize