He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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