Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize