no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
